Ooops...

Last night at the restaurant, a mom came in with her baby in a carrier, and in her haste she bumped it- pretty hard- on the stools on the way by. Thankfully, baby was sound asleep and had no idea she had just been jostled. I wondered why this mom was in such a hurry, and how she could be so careless with her newborn. But, after some chatting, she revealed her current personal situation, and I could see where her stress was coming from. I wanted to help, but could only offer a listening ear, which seemed like enough. After some coffee and pie, she was able to leave more slowly and seemed a little more settled. It simply illustrates- over and over- that you can never really know at a glance what's going on in people's lives, and what influences their behavior and reactions. And even the most attentive moms can have moments of inattentiveness when the going gets tough.
This makes me think of Brittney Spears and her current situation. From the outside, we see all these crazy things she's doing. We see only what the media allows us to, which isn't pretty. But do we really know the whole story? As a mother, is she really any different than the rest of us? Should she be held to higher standards just because of her social status? No- nobody should be partying to the point of neglecting their children. Safety should always be our first concern with our kids. But could you, in a moment of incredible stress, make one of the same mistakes she has made recently with her boys? And what has she done, really? I only hear vague allegations of neglect, but what was it really? Has anyone considered post-partum psychosis? I hope, truly, that she receives whatever support, treatment, and care she needs to come through this time in her life.

Blessings

Recently, my car has been showing its age. I can't seem to leave the county without coming home in a tow truck (with 2 children, no less!). I'm wondering if AAA doesn't think I just don't LIKE to drive home! I've been telling DH how much I need brakes, and he has resisted fixing them due to time constraints. So last week I went to a dealership and came home in a $10,000 car on an extended test drive. Oh was he mad about me looking at such a car! He said it was junk, so the next morning I went back, and came home in a $13,000 car. That made him even more angry, but the next day he went and bought brakes to put in my car!

When he checked my brakes, they were fine. He says there's nothing wrong with them. So he put it back together, and i got ready to head for the restaurant. I get in, put the key in the ignition, and step on the brake. SQUISH. Right to the floor. Now I have NO brakes, where before I just had very grindy noisy brakes that worked. Come to find out, there's a hole in my brake lines. All this time, driving all over creation, and my brakes have been noisy but functioning. They could have gone at ANY time. But they didn't. And we are all safe. And I am grateful. Funny how blessings come in strange packages.

Becoming Mom

Somehow, just being mom is difficult for me. I can be a waitress, a teacher, a yoga instructor, anything. But just mom? It's funny, because I have huge respect for moms who stay home and raise their children. I want to stay home, go to play groups, and nurture my home. I want to be at all of my ds's soccer games. And I've tried it. What happened? I went to playgroups, and found myself talking about my dream to open Blessed Baby. I went to story time, and with the librarian out sick, I led us in story and song. I gather with moms and become the support person. (Read about Persistent Teacher Syndrome in my blogs.) And during my "free" time while I wasn't working, I opened the shop with the WAHM co-op.

Playgroup season is here again, and my goal is to go regularly, and become just mom. To find in other moms the support I need, too. To cure myself of PTS, and enjoy my time. Make new friends, and learn from them. And I'm sure I'll recruit some Mothers' Center members and Blessed Baby customers as well...just not on "mom" time!

Persistent Teaching Syndrome

I have persistent teaching syndrome (PTS). It's difficult for me to deal with. For so many years, I was the educator and teacher of families with young children. I knew the latest research- when to introduce solids, the pros and cons of sippy cups, what the American Academy of Pediatrics says about everything. It was my job. I was passionate about it, and good at it, and I loved it. Then came Maia, and I left my job for her and opened the shop.

That's when I realized that I have PTS. It started with the WAHM Co-op moms. We all have different parenting styles. Some use sippy cups, time outs, and other various ways of parenting. I had to really stop myself from teaching them about what I knew! It was a learning experience for me to realize that it's not all about what I know. They are all great mothers. They have great children. They don't need my advice, nor did they ever ask for it. The ways they parent are working for them and their family.

I had another bout with PTS when I began waitressing again. Soda in sippy cups. Babies in buckets (those darned car seat carriers- ok for times, but not ALL the time!), propped bottles, and the latest- applesauce in a "feeder" bottle for a very young baby. AAP recommends no solids for 6 months at least. And not in a bottle- babies need to learn how to EAT food, not drink it. But again, my place was to bring this family their dinner and nothing more. They were confident in what they were doing, and the baby was happy. She looked healthy, and was enjoying her bottle of applesauce. So, against all of my symptoms of PTS, I did not advise this family. It was truly hard for me! But it's yet another learning process for me- when is it a difference in parenting style, culture, and values, and when is it truly a safety or health issue? Had they come into the shop, however, I may have been a little more bold in simply offering what I know and allowing them to make their decision based on that.

Maybe someday there will be a cure for PTS, but until then I will continue to treat my symptoms with watching, waiting for parents to ask for info, and weighing how important my nuggets of knowledge are for a family.

Ariana's Angels

This week has been a tough one for Blessed Baby mommas.

A woman came into the shop, in her stocking feet and jammies, and wanted to sell her baby things. We typically will take in furniture and larger items on consignment, but there was an urgency for her to be rid of them and she just wanted to sell them. We talked more, and she revealed that she had miscarried at 6 1/2 months along. She had birthed a boy at home, and while at the hospital was told by an OB nurse that this happens to women all the time and to get over it. When she reported her experience to the HR dept at the hospital, she was told that she could set up a group to help moms change their responses to loss, but she would have to work through her own stuff first. Are you kidding me? Really? How about a training to teach the OB nurses how to respond to infant loss and to be more respectful?

That same afternoon, another mom came in and returned items while I wasn't there, and just said "I lost the baby." When I heard about this, I was heartbroken. This was a mom who, after miscarrying a couple of times, worked so hard to have a healthy baby. She carried full term, went into labor, and her mother's intuition told her something was wrong. During an ultrasound, she wasn't able to make her baby move by talking to her like usual. Apparently, Ariana had aspirated meconium (MAS). The doctors tried to save her, giving mom an emergency C-section and suctioning baby as much as possible, but Ariana Angel was returned to heaven. Mom was able to have her baptised and cremated, but the expenses of her services are too much for her. She has been given some grief at the town office in asking for assistance with it ("go get a job" and "I want to see receipts to where all your money is going when you get your state check"). Again- are you kidding me??? This is a woman grieving the loss of her child!!!

And yesterday, I was called by a friend whose relative birthed a robust baby boy, only to learn of major heart defects. He has had one surgery and faces more. She's pumping, and travelling, and needs support.

All of these moms need support. There are products at the shop that I want to GIVE to them. Teas for milk production, emotional balance, and post-partum recovery. Herbals for tension, increasing iron, and health support. Zaky pillows for preemies and sick babies. Candles to light in honor of Angel Babies. I don't want to charge mothers who are already struggling with loss or difficulties for these items. But of course, Blessed Baby can't afford to just give things away. We do have bills to pay.

For a long time I have felt a calling to set up a program to help mothers in need. It began with a Myspace family (read here about Kaleb Schwade's story). and I set up a Zaky fundraising program. It wasn't very successful, and I wondered why I had all these Zaky pillows and no babies to give them to. And suddenly, with the birth and death of Ariana Angel, I feel the calling again- this time for local moms. With her mom's permission and help, I hope to start a grant program called Ariana's Angels. A fundraising program to be able to GIVE these moms the products that will help them through. A program that can help defray costs of travel, medical bills, even funeral costs and headstones or other memorial items. A program that educates health professionals in the compassion needs of families in this situation. A program that gives families the support system they need in times of crisis. This program will be a part of our Mothers' Center, a non-profit agency.

If anyone has experience in setting up this kind of program and would like to offer advice or resources, I am open to any and all suggestions!!

That Crying Baby!

So last night, during my "watch" at the restaurant (I'm a part time waitress while I wait for the shop to profit), a VERY young woman came in with a swaddled baby in her arms. Wouldn't you know, she happily let me hold "Chloe", and instantly the infant began to cry. Funny- this heavy, plastic baby, with her 8th grade "mother", cried a lot during their meal. A health class requirement, this lifelike doll had been with the "dad" for just a night and kept him up. And now it was "mom's" turn to care for the baby, and wouldn't you know she had her all weekend. Strange how society creeps in, even during a class assignment, where the mother cares for the child so much more.

Another mom came in with a very tiny baby- real this time!- who was about 2 months old. When mom spoke, it became obvious that she was of limited mental capacity. And when she spoke to her daughter, this baby knew who her mama was, made eye contact, and beamed. It was such a beautiful interaction that I was touched all night. But it also made me think back to my work with families. More than once I have seen parents with delays try so hard to make it work. Some have done well. Others, no matter how hard they try, and how much they love their children, still have fallen short. With constant, in-home support, these families would have been fine. But without the support, the everyday life skills seemed to fall away, and issues of safety and hygiene come up. And although there is no shortage of love and trying, somehow they just can't make it. And my heart breaks for them, to see how hard they've worked and how much they've loved. My wish for them would be for a program to be designed where these moms and dads could live in a home setting, have in-home supports to help them daily, and their children could flourish and be with them. But the mental health system is already strained for money and resources, and it makes me sad.